This afternoon, I was down at my apartment complex’s dog park with the boys, throwing a ball with the insatiable Murphy. And I had a moment that took the air out of my lungs. That happens to me sometimes. A moment of awareness that yes, this is my life now. More than a year later, I still have moments where the reality of just how different my life has become leaves me breathless.
It’s not sadness.
It’s not regret.
It’s not anger.
The best word I can think of to describe the feeling is “surreal.” I never in a million years would have imagined the direction my life would turn.
Yes, there has been grief, mostly over things that are just different, but not necessarily bad. Christmas was weird. Ethan’s birthday was weird. Mother’s Day was weird.
But if you gave me the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the last two years, I think I’d have to decline. Yes, there was intense pain, yes there was so much fear of the unknown, but truth be told, this has been quite the plot twist. I’m happy with the person I am. I worked hard to find this level of peace in the last several years. And I’m proud that under THE most stressful circumstances I’ve ever endured, I didn’t give in to anger or bitterness. There’s truly something to be said for gracefully letting go of things not meant for you….
But back to building stuff.
Since last March, I’ve been building things. New friendships. A new relationship. New hometown. New house (squeee!). A new normal for me and Ethan.
Over the next few months, if you follow my blog, you’re going to get an earful about the house. Sorry, not sorry. 😆 We are in the last 6 weeks of the building process and things are about to get exciting!
I am so, so grateful that I can do this for myself and for Ethan. We will have a beautiful new home for our little family and we will soon start making many new and wonderful memories there.
I can’t wait.